The Life As A Servant Of Allah S.W.T

Saturday, 9.30am..

Unhappy, mad, sad, crying....seriously, everything is so 'bloody ----'... yesterday (friday) marked the beginning of spring break..alhamdullillah..everyone has left the town, janelle to indiana, ashley to mexico, ariena to vegas-casino i assumed..so every body has gone and from a very distance, i am wishing them the best out of their spring break... I spend the evening with an appointment with Prof. Williamson, my honors thesis adviser (his father was a noble prize winner) where upon going through my first draft, there were so much things he wanted me to modify or make it clearer or come out with my own argument/model.. eg, if interest does not exist, we don't need fdic.. so i went to see him and expected he was attacking my argument that mostly emphasized on social welfare and the claimed he made was, this is not economics, economics do not take into account social welfare.. i know that i was facing sbdy that is so damn smart and i kept on praying that i would have some strong argument to counterback this prof, which indeed alhamdullillah, i did... I managed to relate on how world bank and imf, acting not solely as financial intermediaries but playing a role of benefitting other unfortunate countries during trial period, such as recesssion, shares plummeted and etc.. so why not local banks do the same thing and based on Utility maximization theory, how do u define an economy that is efficient..an efficient economy is one in which everybody is made better off without any party made worse off... with interest, we are oppressig the low income society, that is not an efficient economics.. Alhamdullillah, i am happy that all these argument boosted my confidence, and i know i need to read more..be more hardworking and put more extra effort in everything i do.. I need to make my dreams turn into reality, and i need to pray hard.. i need to graduate with Bachelor Science in Actuarial Science (Honors), Economics (Honors) and mathematics.. and to pass my Soa profesional exam.. OH ALLAH, U ALONE THAT I LOVE MOST, PLEASE ALLAH HELP ME YA ALLAH...PLEASE YA ALLAH DON"T LET ME BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD. PLEASE YA ALLAh..

That's not the main thing i was sad about... constructive argument with my professor stimulate my thinking and motivate myself... i need to be a profesional.. i need to be a profesional.. i called up my bf to let him know two things that i wanted him to change.. as mentioned eralier, our partner may not fufill the characteristics of our dream guy, so tell him and hope that he would change his attitude to accomodate ur needs.. it was ok, just that he wanted to talk longer, into love stuffs and etc.. but i have no time..perhaps, there are so much things in my mind that i can't really allocate that as much time as i used to for him.. anyway, i am going back in two months time and we have the whole time to talk about luv and etc..

another thing in my mind, if u notice the character lord of the rings that i was supposedly claimed to be, stated that I am too good for everyone.. ye ke..i don't want to accept that blindly, i mean to accept it would may be create this riak feeling or stgh.. no i don't want, everything comes from Allah, not from myself..but from my Lord.. and that's the reason i think i am looking for sbdy to challenge myself, my thinking and etc.. the only guy that had the capability of doing this was Sayid (he was in california), but hello, he's 30, abit old for myself and now he's happily married after he left to malaysia... thus now, no body, everyone just accept what i think, how i look at things, how i manage everything., everyone thinks i am capable of being on my own that i don't need their support, advices and etc. nobody told me, "well, there's a better way to solve this matter, well, here's another option for u to take..NO..nobody tells me anything.. yes ,my beloved freinds do listen to my sappy problems and at times i wud listen to them, but here, i am referring to a broder contexst.. ahhh,..i don't know if u guys wud understand what i mean.. ok take for instance, my bf, he wud accept everything i argue and he won't argue back.. i want sbdy to give me a great kick on my head and say, hello, miss, i am going to beat u.. perhaps, it's true i am too damn good and i am longing for someone that i think is compatible to myself.. oh Ya Allah... please give me ur guidance Ya Allah..please222


Two things that have gotten into my nerve.. FIrst, that bloody hell Mara, officer dia Encik Fuad Abdullah stgh.. my scolarship application was rejected due to the fact yg hanya akan diberikan kepada pelajar2 cemerlang.. Bloody hell... 3 degrees in 3 years, 2 with honors and soa exam.. tak cemerlang lagi.. I am really going to sound that guy this monday.... really eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..GERAM..
Second thing i am a bit upset with my parents.. Ya Allah, please lah mama and bapa, be optimist about the future.. they kept on asking me to balik duduk di malaysia, ke new york later, or cam mana kalau bank tak bagi, or cam mana kalau itu ini.. hello, i dun't have all the asnwers with me now.. i can't forsee what is written for me.. but please be optimist and be supportive and pray that Allah will make everything moves smoothly.. There are two main categories of people taht could easily get into my nerve.. 1. those that are pessimist, thinking on negative outcomes 2. those that like to condemn others and critisize here and there yet, they are unwilling te bear the responsibility.. eg, my dad who likes to criticize the government and pak lah when i told him that we shud support the gov, and give them a chance. ..(i am not into BN but support the ruling party, whatever party it is).. no some people (macam kat kedai2 kopi tu juga) hentam sana sini, kalau macam tu, mereka cuba jadi pm, tgk terpikulkah bebanan tu..

So i was sad, unhappy, slighlty mad but i'm glad bcs this make me realize that only Allah is my source of strength.. i am going to perform dhuha prayer and ask Allah for his guidance.. Amy, i luv u so much, u'll make it, insyaallah.

p/s: people don't officiate the comment box yet since Awan had requested to be the first one officiating it.. still the idea of comment box is not that ..appealing i wud say..

7 pm.. the wind was blowing harshly, there's a forecast that it might snow again, and i am excited of seeing snow when we are about to enter spring season.. Physically tired and emotionally exhausted..i have been lacking of sleep all these while.. sleep aroun 2 and would wake up around 4.30 to catch up here and there on my study... Oh Ya Allah, well, Amy another two months to go then u are all set..Yes, two months, insyaallah... Spring break is tomorow, and the town is now dead, everyone leaves Iowa heading elsewhere that they calim to be warmer or more happening than to stuck in this small little city with little things to do.. I want to stuck here, yes.. spring break is something i am longing for, to settle my thesis, to pamper and indulge myself in something that won't deprieve my look, my youthful skin and importantly my health.. I need to make a to-do list and make sure i'll finish them by the end of the spring break... I am obviously out of idea at this instant so for any stimulating topic to lighten up ur mind, please visit Awan's website... i think i'm just going to end here...

to do list:
complete my honors thesis
reply emails and cards from everyone
cut back on junk crackers and oreo
lose my weight to 45kg or less.
homework, econs, maths, music and religions class
review regression and loss models,prepare for soa.
reply cornell forms
give joni and sharon and shila and who else a call
get back to my yoga
ok waht else.. can't really think at this moment, mentally tired... think i'll off to bed earlier tonight...

Danian + shila: stop teasing la..lol..... awan is still budak2 ok.. show some good example please
Awan: just abaikan these two.. they are notty fellows.

The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live."
-Joan Borysenko

How will I live? I have no idea. I dream of living with nobility, with respect, with everything that i dream of to come true.. I'll endeavour to try my best insyaallah.

This was sent by my sister T and she asked if I approved on this..My answer..pretty true..but i don't know, sometimes, though this is what u are expecting from a guy then turn out he doesn't have this qualities, so are u going to dump him or stg......u can try to change him and make him possess the qualities that u dream of..but i haven't reply her mail yet..


****What will my dream guy be like? So here's my list, enjoy.

(1) Intelligent, not a genius but yes, intelligent.
(2) Relatively good looking, or at least average. He doesn't have to be Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise.
(3) Patient.
(4) Good sense of humour is a must!
(5) Good listener
(6) A Muslim! Must, must, must!
(7) A sunset-lover. (A person who loves sunsets in case you were getting funny ideas)
(8) Proficiency in the English Language is required. No ah bengs.
(9) Sweet and caring
Last but not least,
(10) He knows how to enjoy a good musical.

There you have it! My list! But the question is.... do I actually deserve such a guy? Hmmm....****

this is entirely hers...do i have my list...no, do i need a list as well...perhaps not..enough chores in my life to be settled than to think of a list of my dream guy..


Thanks for all the wishes, appreciate it alot and mean so much... I'll write more after my exam..

i shall post up here the last journal written by Beethoven quite touching indeed plus with the fact that he was suffering from deafness at his old age..and i will confine myself away from everything and concentrate on my study....

wish i had live in the early period to meet with mozart, beethove, vivaldi, bach and etc...

At the music library..I know that i now have high passion for music and the exam is this tursday, and so much things to study to memorize, to store into my mind...but insyaallah, let's pray that I'll make it..


So now i understand the questions impose by Danian and Shila..truly it;s my fault for not telling u people earlier about anyone else in my life..yes, nothing to be kept secret among us..and i am truly sorry about this..I know u guys are pretty concern and wonder who this out of no where awan may be..well, i just discovered him by chance, by coincidence, half hoping that i'll meet him half thinking that probably i won't even keep in touch with him again..he is my long lost primary school friend, my kawan sekampung, put it that way... he never esixts in our life, our social outings all these years just that recently, i manage to get hold of him..

Danian: I know that to share on all these account information and etc. is may be not a wise thing, unless if that person is ur really close friend, even close freind as well, they seldom disclose on all these.... But the way i look at it, each and everyone of us has his/her own advantages and skills that others do not possess.. u may be good in ur chambering, law, civil rights, rules and regulations, i may be be good in econs, awan is good in computers and shila is good in management, but at the end of the day, we are just old buddies..the person next door... u are still the notty boy that used to tease us, i am still the same old fellow who used to lepak at bowling alley at midlands... yes, end of the day..we are just the same way we are..no one is indispensable among us, no one is more superior than another person, and with our advantages and capabilities, skills that we have, we share and try to help one another to excel.. just like what i used to say, it's useless/worthless if u possess millions of dollars in this world but u can't contribute anything... I share my knowledge and my understanding with u people.. that i love most....

It's my fault that i kept this as a secret from all of u, but insyaallah perhaps one day, all of us can meet and may be there'll be chemistry among us, and we build a new bond of friendship, a new link and a new contact...

Shila: Yes, i am bless to be in America, syukran jazillan.. to Allah The Almighty..alhamdullilah.. but seriously, the notion of into money is not really in me...I am a person u knew once, never had that much savings..would go after anything i think will benfeits myself (take my braces for instance, i spend off all my savungs until form five simply to put that band around my teeth)... but there are people who is into money bcs of their responsibity and obligation to others, to their parents perhaps, to their little siblings may be and etc..Some of us are fortunate that we are born with our parents having the capacity of provding us with luxury, some of us are lucky enough that we have a rich bf that all ur demands could be fulfill..but the majority of us are not... majority of the society work hard for betterment in their life, to upgrade and increase their level in this society and may be not to be left out behind in this world and modenization where money is everything... The whole point what i am depicting to awan is not to show off, to say hey look, i have this so.and so amount of money..no..definitely i won't do that for fear that Allah's rezeki that has bestowed upon myself would be ripped off.. no... just that i have extra knowledge on where the opportunities of obtaining money lies, so i am sharing it with everyone... u guys can listen to my story or suggestions but at the end of the day, it will still be ur own judgement..ur own decision.. ur own choice..

Awan: they are just curios from where this awan comes from..of course, from awan gemawan...

Dearest people that i luv most,
sorry for not telling the whole thing to u guys earlier... my fault.... i'll promise that nothing to be kept secret later in the future and hey poeple..I luv u all ok.. and pray that i'll do well in this music exams..who knows i may be the next siti..(Oh please...)..he..he..he..

Posted by: Amy / 7:39 AM

Dear my darling friends,

I suppose life sometimes tends to push you down when you're trying to stand on your own feet again. It always hits you when you're most vulnerable. But that's what makes us stronger. Just when you're about to give up, something comes along, and reminds you that life is worth living after all. The human spirit never fails to amaze me, people can accomplish wonders with determination and a little sprinkle of hope and faith. And trust me, you can accomplish miracles too. I luv u people...

Amy..


p/s: why am i so in loving mood ni? I am happy tbcs that quizzila said that i have a golden heart..wow..betulkah ini..

i am a little exhausted, done with two quizzes today and two upcoming midterm this thursday and spring break this week..SPRING BREAK!!! I WANT A BREAK!!!I'll be stuck here in Iowa although Andrew, Wee kiat, brenda and ken do offer to tag along to misouri..Oh no..I just can;t go..too much work, this is the only time i have to catch up here and there and most important to settle with my honors thesis and defend it in May..that's the whole headache, i have to think on how FDIC should not exist if we don't have interest..How am i suppose to know... I asked that to my prof and he said i have to forsee..How to forsee... How to predict this...AHHH..it's ok i'll give a thought on this later..SO now is MArch and my money is flowing out like water...I remember a verse from a poem.. Money, money, u come in so slow but u leave me so fast...SO true indeed. I have to pay for my Soa exam - US300, my deposit to Cornell -US200...and my rent for two months (US630)..so there goes all my savings...huk..huk..huk...Now it seems so impossible indeed for me to reach my target bfr leaving back to Malaysia...It's ok, let's pray that i'll hit a jackpot or stgh and somehow the rezeki falls from somewhere i do not forsee..Oh Allah the Almighty, please fulfill my dreams of achieveing my target bfr I leave to Malaysia..Please Allah the Almighty, the most Gracious, The most kind, the Most mercifulll...Yes, i think i need to increase my solat dhuha and make more supplication to Allah, recite more of surah Waqiah and need to purify my intention, the most important thing..yes..Ok insyaallah..

So what shuld i write here..I am completely out of ideas, i need to prepare myself for my two midterm this thursday and let's pray that I'll do well.. I'll write more on Martha Stewart's conviction, a lady who was once surrounded with glory, wealth and fame and now is she's facing a 20 years jail time..everything that she build falls apart, here and there people were criticizing calling her names that were never heard bfr the conviction..friends revealing negative side of her... with this conviction, her whole life turn upside down and her downfall leads to losing everything that she once owns. Ok, i am not being on her side..but look at it this way, she's a human, she makes mistake, nobody is prefect..people make mistake..this is her first mistake..yes, thousands of people lose jobs when she dumps her shares, yes, companies;s hares plummeted and the price drop below the book value, yes, everything went on hay wire.. but to condemn on what she's doing is not the rite way to do.. Ok, may be i'm not sure what i am trying to say here..but the whole point is, u see when u experience a downfall in ur lives, everyone that u were hoping to give a moral support just walk away.... I hope this won't happen to me and alhamdullillah, those friends that ihvae are friends that undergone both the ups and downs in my life..They are my loyalists and i luv them so much... it means a lot to me (perhaps to everyone else) to know that u have friends to share ur sadness and happiness.. to be with u no matter how bad things turn out to be on u..Have i ever experience any downfall? yes, definitely, but my downfall is not as bad as Martha stewart.. I rise from the downfall and i know who were there with me.. So people..beware, there are dozens of people outhere hoping for ur downfalls, for things to break into pieces on u... but remain strong and stay tight... Let Allah alone be ur best disposer.. and appreciate ur friends and be there for them when they need u as they are there when u need them..Ur loyalist...MY friends...


luv,
Amy

I know that I should be off studying at this moment, but there’s something I really need to post here before it slip off my mind..Yes I have got a place at Cornell, yes I am excited, yes, I am glad and grateful to Allah, yes I am aware that I need to double my effort..yes, I need to fulfill my dreams..but that is not the main thing I wanted to type here..I wanted to catogorized people that exist in my life so I could truly understand who are my true friends, my temporary friends and make better judgement in the future, whom I should place higher priority and who should come later…The Quizzilla was rite, I luv everyone and almost everything, and that was the main reason why my color is pink..but it also warned me on the fact that not everyone feels the same way as I do..Yes, that is true….Some of my friends that use to exist in my life has been separated via time and distance that they no longer see the need of keeping in touch with their old friends…. I should understand that they might have their own colleagues and click now, and they don’t feel like tracking their old buddy….What a world..I use to think that everyone would feel the same way as I do, excited that u manage to get hold of ur old friend, to hear how she/he is doing…But no, different people has different taste and behaviour…So, the whole point is, friends come and go and only the true friends remain with u till the end…..I’m posting the changes in my preference now:

My fav. Cookies: Oreo dip in milk
Fav. Chips: Doritos
Fav Brand: Tommy Hilfilger..
Fav. Perfume: Pleasure by Estee Lauder and teatree by elizabeth arden
Fav. Lipstick: LancomeFav. Color: red/pink
Fav. Magazine: fortune/forbes/nona/jelita..too many..

People I indebted for life: Mama and bapa, aunty dibah. My late grandparents
My closest aunts and uncles: aunty niza, mak cak, pakcak, and uncle azmi.My closest gf/my loyalist that wud back me up in everything or stand for me when others are trying to topple me down:
Sggs: Shila, Alia and Dina
UiTM: Aida, Eila, Sham, Jieja, Awin, Siti rahimah, kak azah, na..ok for the time being those are the names I could remember.
Iowa: none…can’t trust anyone..everyone thinks everyone is so good but indeed they are just good in talking but zero outcome.
Person I feel guilty and wish things will be better: My boyfriend, Tengku Adnan Tengku Abdullah…I luv him..may be it’s time for me to accept him as he is and be grateful that there is somebody who love me wholeheartedly…we’ll see how it goes when I get back to Malaysia….
My closest guy friends that are honest and sincere in telling if u are wrong or rite and offer shoulders to cry on, they would leave everything and listen to ur sappy story:
Danian, Azlan, KR, Omara, Abdul farid, (khairul used to be in the list, not until he’s getting married recently, I felt it’s no longer appropriate to share everything with him anymore).
My beloved profs: Dr. Wan eny zarina, Dr Siti Hasmah, prof, Nelson, Dr. Mashitah..Prof. Jorgenson..
People I hate most in this life that I wish bad thing wud happen to that person: NN (UiTm)…and kak n..(org jaga kat library sggs…Shila, if u still remember, what she did was so mean..( I know I should be more forgiven but what these people did is so unforgettable..but I won’t revenge or anything…Allah knows best..let alone Allah handles everything…
My best housemate/roommate: Janelle, na..
People I am interested in knowing them better and getting closer: M.Farid..initially it was bcs I had this unforgettable childhood memories (std.2) that I keep on thinking all thsse years,..and the notion that my first luv wud be my last luv..but now, merely to exchange ideas and see how we can help each other to excel in this life. I respect his way of thinking and looking at things though in many aspects it differs from mine. Hassan Kamil, the gorgeous CEO of Aetna, my former boss, i wish he had asked me for a date or stgh..I admire him and he is the influence to myslf in pursuing professional exams…
My dream guys: Raja Nazrin Shah..Pemangku raja perak.. and prince Williams…don’t ask me why..

I will add more people if i remember anyone else…

5pm...Alhamdullillah praise and glorious be to Allah S.W.T The Almighty, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful..check my mail box just now, and something i have been waiting patiently, anticipating day by day has finally arrived..YES!!! I have finally being accepted to Cornell University Ithaca New York, Alhamdullillah..Hopefully this will be my source of motivation to study hard and insyaallah one day i will try to contribute to the society, bearing the responsibility as a daughter, as a student and most important as a servant of Allah...Alhamdullillah ...and insyaallah. (I have niat to have kenduri doa selamat, insyaallah)

Cornell is a prestigious university that have produced world leaders..Goh Chok Tong and his son and etc..Now i wonder if am i seeking for stgh too much....OH Allah give me guidance to the right path and assist me in everything that i plan to do..Oh Allah The Almighty, please be with me and do not let myself swerve after u have guided me..Thank u Allah...Thank U The Almighty...

Taken from berita harian online:

Katakanlah:” Hai hamba-hamba-Ku yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri, janganlah kamu berputus asa daripada rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sesungguhnya Dia Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang” – Surah al-Zumar, ayat 53.


Firman Allah bermaksud:” Tidak ada orang yang berputus asa dari rahmat Tuhan-Nya, kecuali orang-orang yang sesat”. – Surah al-Hijr, ayat 56.

Hai anak Adam, selagi kamu memohon doa kepada-Ku dan mengharapkan Daku, Aku mengampuni kamu apa yang kamu lakukan dan Aku tidak peduli berapa banyaknya. Hai anak Adam, sekiranya dosamu sebanyak awan di langit, kemudian kamu memohon ampun kepada-Ku, Aku ampunkannya, Aku tidak peduli. Hai anak Adam, sekiranya kamu datang kepada-Ku dengan dosa-dosa sepenuh bumi, kemudian kamu menemui-Ku dalam keadaan tidak menyekutui-Ku dengan sesuatupun, nescaya Aku menerimamu dengan keampunan sepenuh bumi pula”. – Hadis Riwayat al-Tirmizi.

Manusia boleh menipu orang ramai, akan tetapi dia tidak mampu menipu daya Allah. Firman Allah bermaksud:” Mereka hendak menipu Allah dan orang-orang yang beriman, pada hal mereka menipu dirinya sendiri sedang mereka tidak sedar. Dalam hati mereka ada penyakit, lalu ditambah Allah penyakitnya; dan bagi mereka seksa yang pedih, disebabkan mereka berdusta.”– Surah al-Baqarah, ayat 9-10.

Sebahagian ulama menceritakan bahawa syaitan akan menjelma ketika seseorang menghadapi kematian dalam rupa bapanya yang telah meninggal, lalu berkata kepadanya:” Hai anakku, – sambil ia menangis dan menunjukkan benar-benar ingin memberi nasihat kepadanya – Aku hanya mengharapkan kebaikan untukmu, janganlah kamu mati dalam Islam, sebaliknya matilah dalam agama Nasrani. Sekiranya sepanjang hidupnya sentiasa taat kepada Allah, lalu Allah akan teguhkan pendiriannya di atas kebenaran. Sekiranya ia seorang yang tidak patuh dan komited kepada ajaran Islam, Allah akan biarkan, mungkin ia akan mati dalam kekufuran dan kekal di dalam neraka. Firman Allah Taala bermaksud:” Allah meneguhkan (iman) orang yang beriman dengan ucapan yang teguh itu dalam kehidupan di dunia dan di akhirat, dan Allah menyesatkan orang yang zalim dan memperbuat apa yang Dia kehendaki”. - Surah Ibrahim, ayat 27

Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife."
-Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady-

I came across this quote the other day....and it intrigues my interest to question Why do this quote exist at first place? How far is that true anyway? Are woman truly that impossible to understand? Are women that troublesome and demanding? Or can we safely say that "the men don't get it"?

Don't think i'll post a long entry for today..But hey people, try out those quizzes that i've posted at the bottom of this blog...Am i that free to try those quizzess..whatlah Amy

Danian: I'm not sure if he still go jamming lah since he has his own musical sets at his house...But if he still do, perhaps at usual place, Bukit Jambul or Midlands..

***Sometimes I wonder what my calling in life is...what Allah has in store for me. Maybe He'll show it to me in due course, maybe I'll find out for myself. But whatever it is, that's something worth living for. Have you sometimes wondered your meaning in life? What role you play among this huge mass of souls walking by you everyday? I truly wonder...can I make a difference? Yes, I can. If I truly believe in it. ***

I have ample of work to do and everything needs to be settled by next week since th spring break is in a week time....I haven't called up this guy yet..I don't know, his charming smile do sometimes appear in my eyes and mind..Eeeeeee.....I don't want all these thing to happen..U see, i don't think i want him to come closer in my life..There are people in this world that i think i should be distance away and not allowing them to know me any further, and i wonder if this guy is one of these people i shud be shunning away...No doubt, i am in complete boredom and loneliness..I have been like this for three years (every malaysian here has their own life), my housemate went to chicago to meet up with her bf, and here i am as usual, doing accomplishing my work, assignmenets, hwk and etc..His existence at this instance only distract my routine, my dull life.. I am use to my life, no date and etc, and now he appears, putting myself in dilemma of going out and spending couple hours with him or just confine myself at home, alone with my loneliness and boredom...l i couldn't comprehend what is he really looking for...COmpared to white americans, i am completely a typical asian lady, petite, small sizes in everything (not that i have big boobs or whatsoever that make men drive crazy over)..eeeeee..so confuse...Though i am searching for love but just not at this time and perhaps not the rite person as well....EEEeeee, apakah bahananya ini?

Remember i told u guys i accidentally deleted Joe's last luv letter..Think i am posting it here, as a memoir in mylife..(found them in one of my email folders)something that i really treasured, with Joe, i learnt the true love, the lesson of not flirting around with guys..( i have a lot of bfs....never last more than two months, the most, bfr Joe came into my life)..I was with him for two years, we separated bcs of many reasons....he's a special person..his luv was beyond boundaries, his luv is the true luv that every girl is hunting for...joe is now a 'musician'..has his own band and he plays musics at many functions/ceremonies in penang...The last time i heard, he was playing at pesta pulau pinang..(he used to compose music and play/sing them for me)...anyway, i'll pray that he'll lead a sucesful life and may he find the rite woman to be with him.....I luv him but i just can't see my future with him..OH AMY>>>..

Assalamualaikum...


Aku sebenarnya tak tahu macam mana nak mulakan.Hmmmm...sebelum itu selamat hari raya..maaf zahir dan batin.Raya kali ini tak kurang meriahnya.... tapi aku rasa ada sedikit kejanggalan.Apa yg lainya??? Ya Nur Amy......pangilan dari awak!!!!!Gila bukan???apa yg menjadi isu?entah lah Nur Amy yg pasti aku dah letih dan sakit bila berperasaan begini.Awak tahu sampai bila ia akan berakhir...?Jgn silap sangka aku tak minta untuk kau hubungi ......tapi mungkin doa aku dimakhbulkan Allah.Setiap kali kau menghubungi ku...setiap kali aku akan merana dan gila.Demi ALLAH dan RASUL namamu tak pernah padam dalam hati ini.Ya ...kalau kau rasa ini merupakan balasan terhadapku...aku redha.Kibarkanlah bendera kemenangan kerana aku benar2 kalah dgn panahan cinta semalam.Apa yg kuluahkan ini bukan bermaksud apa2...ya kita harus terima hakikat yg berlalu biarkan berlalu...tapi cuma satu permintaan .....pergilah buat selamanya!tak usah lagi hadir dalam hidup ini walau dengan apa cara sekalipun....walau sebagai teman.Ketahuilah bagimu ...kau bagiku adalah insan yg pernah dan terus kucinta ...yg tak mungkin bagiku wujud sebagai hanya teman biasa.Bagimu.. aku mungkin gila tapi biarlah aku terus menjadi aku.Sebenarnya sudah lama ku ingin meluahkan apa yg terpendam tetapi amat berat untuk kulakukan mungkin kerana keegoan atau aku gemar menipu diri sendiri.Ya ...Nur Bellezzaku,,, aku tahu kau telah bahagia cuma yg ku pinta berilah aku kesempatan untuk turut mencari sinar kebahagiaan.Tolonglah.....jangan kau hadir lagi walau dalam mimpiku ...Nur Amy.Aku fikir tak mungkin derita ku akan sembuh seandainya panahanmu sekali sekali menjengah tiba.Hmmm ... maaf kerana perutusanku in mungkin tak diundang dan menggangu ruangan hidupmu tapi mungkin ini sahaja untuk ku meredakan kenangan yg menyeksakan.Nur Amyku.........tamatkanlah sengsara ini!. Sebenarnya aku berasa amat malu kerana meluahkan dan merayu pada kau begini tetapi ....Allhamdulillah kerana Dia memberi aku kekuatan untuk aku melakukan sesuatu yg sepatutnya dah lama aku lakukan.Maafkanlah diri ini...................salam sejahtera.

written on Dec. 7 2003....

1.40pm..I had a good sleep last night and woke up at 5.30, thought i would manage to catch up with smbhyg tahajjud, turn out subuh is now at 5.15...emm, a drastic change from the usual time as spring season is appraoching (usual time 6.15am)....called up my parents, my dad was excited with the notion that my sister F is getting into university and then he touvhed on the matter of my cousin nini who is getting married and having their honeymoon at home while the inlaws are away..It's so not my dad to share such stuff with me..perhaps he thought i am big enough to know all these things...spoke with my mum not until she broght up the subject of my turn getting married, an usual case..and i on the other hand would constantly defend my argument that i am so not ready and in fact i am just 24...perhaps another 2 years of being single would be ok..i think, i don't know..when it came to this sort of subject, i am so clueless....i am so uncertain, so unsure and so insecure...This is a lifetime matter...u are spending the rest of ur life with this one person and u just don't know how it would turn out to be..For the time being, i am putting this matter off my mind..i am not going to bother about it yet (though my aunts and mums would keep on nagging on this issue)..the way i look at it, they just don't understand my dreams and they want me to follow the norm, the trend ( my mum could ask my second sister to get married first since she's going to Uk with the bf)..i will insyallah, one day..just not in this near future..My initial plan was to go home to malaysia, get married and come here again with my future hubby...i have been alone, loneliness and boredom have been accompnying me all these 3 years....but now with everything that is happening, the initial plan seems to be impossible..I know that i use to question life a lot....I question life, I question love, I question my devotion and dedication to living life the way I'm meant to. With passion, with zeal. To take all obstacles in good humour, to laugh and say "I can make it through this". And now I'm tired of telling myself the same thing. I'm tired. Just tired. So now, i am putting an end to this uncertain questions and dreams, surrendering my fate to what has been written in the book of decree that the best will fall upon myself..insyaallah..

So there goes the heated debate, I understand and i bet danian and shila understood as well that Azlan did not meant what he said..Come on Azlan, sometimes we use to say things that we don't meant..take it easy ok..It was a sensitive issue, the way i look at it..more into digging out one's personal way pf looking at life..I was lucky enough that when i was in Uitm, TA did not have a car (he left his car in kelantan) and we would walk each time we went out..i prefer walking to driving (it's good for one's posture and it's a form of exercise)...so we walked to almost everywhere..walked from Bukit Bintang to KLCC with myself wearing high heells..ha..ha..ha..that was how i picked up the skills of controlling /composing myself in walking with high heels...(completely unlike my sister that chose a bf with a big car, but whatever)...U see i was with TA after two years of knowing each other..It was in my fifth semester, almost graduating from UitM..and we both were public figures and role models to everyone....unlike myself, TA is more the modern type..an usual case for the men..religions and everything that is in it come second..the first time he held my hand, i was surprrised and inside of me was contemplating if i shud be telling him, it was haram..he shudn't do that...i luv him yes, but i was scared that Allah's blessing will no longer fell upon myself..so the debate went till i had the guts (may be 2hours later) to tell him not to do that again..so well, guys, u see no matter how many time u told them, they would never give up in trying..the temptation is still there..so that night ended with him saying ok..but the same thing repeated on the next outtings and the debate would keep on alarming in my mind..and i lost....so the devil win....i failed to stand up for what i believe, for the cause of Allah..I was blessed that I stayed in college and i have to come back before 11pm....i'm not sure if things wud be more severe if i were to stay outside..and at that instant, i realized that i need to run away from all this lust temptation thing and the offer to study here came just at the rite time..and i am highly glad that nothing stupid ever took place...to my dear sister T that i am worrying now...she is going to uk with her bf and don't u think the idea of them getting married first bfr leaving would be more appealing..but will my parents and his parents agree..AHhhh.......susah betul nak convince kalau the way ur parents look at things secara half secular...

What else should i write here..i have a date this weekend and i am suppose to call him..i don't know, don't feel like going out..my weight increases to 47 kg....shitlah...(m usual weight is 45)..emm, why do women need to be concerned of so much things..the way we dress up, we have to beat the woman next door, the way we compose ourself, we talk, we walk, everything need to be compose and controll...we strive to be the best in everything we venture..Why...EEEEEEEE..remind me of the time when we were in high school when girls that often get attention and popualr were the one that possess the beauty, brain and excel in co-curricular activities..but the package need to be there...if u leave out one criteria, u are less likely to get the attention..this drove us to spend a lot of money to follow the demand and the trend..in my case thousand were spend on my braces, hundreds perhaps on hanging out with my friends, shopping, facial and etc..Now..can i stop myself from following the way people look at things and be myself..I am being myself just that i would try to secure a higehr place in socitey by spending on all thse things..Ain't it hard to be woman...But I AM PROUD OF BEING A WOMAN for if i am a man, i woulld hvae greater responsibility, greater expenses and etc....

Being a woman is never easy, but at the end of the day I know it's worth it.

A Letter from God

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to
me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for
something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a
few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one
point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a
chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me
but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip
instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt
embarrassed to talk to me,that is why you didn't bow your head and thanked me. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a
few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV
or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each
day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your
family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because
you may not realize that I am always there for you.. I've got patience,
more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with
others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a prayer or thought,
or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with
nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,
GOD


Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence.
He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing. Without him, I am nothing; but with
Him I can do all things that strengthens me.