The Life As A Servant Of Allah S.W.T

Saturday, 9.30am..

Unhappy, mad, sad, crying....seriously, everything is so 'bloody ----'... yesterday (friday) marked the beginning of spring break..alhamdullillah..everyone has left the town, janelle to indiana, ashley to mexico, ariena to vegas-casino i assumed..so every body has gone and from a very distance, i am wishing them the best out of their spring break... I spend the evening with an appointment with Prof. Williamson, my honors thesis adviser (his father was a noble prize winner) where upon going through my first draft, there were so much things he wanted me to modify or make it clearer or come out with my own argument/model.. eg, if interest does not exist, we don't need fdic.. so i went to see him and expected he was attacking my argument that mostly emphasized on social welfare and the claimed he made was, this is not economics, economics do not take into account social welfare.. i know that i was facing sbdy that is so damn smart and i kept on praying that i would have some strong argument to counterback this prof, which indeed alhamdullillah, i did... I managed to relate on how world bank and imf, acting not solely as financial intermediaries but playing a role of benefitting other unfortunate countries during trial period, such as recesssion, shares plummeted and etc.. so why not local banks do the same thing and based on Utility maximization theory, how do u define an economy that is efficient..an efficient economy is one in which everybody is made better off without any party made worse off... with interest, we are oppressig the low income society, that is not an efficient economics.. Alhamdullillah, i am happy that all these argument boosted my confidence, and i know i need to read more..be more hardworking and put more extra effort in everything i do.. I need to make my dreams turn into reality, and i need to pray hard.. i need to graduate with Bachelor Science in Actuarial Science (Honors), Economics (Honors) and mathematics.. and to pass my Soa profesional exam.. OH ALLAH, U ALONE THAT I LOVE MOST, PLEASE ALLAH HELP ME YA ALLAH...PLEASE YA ALLAH DON"T LET ME BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD. PLEASE YA ALLAh..

That's not the main thing i was sad about... constructive argument with my professor stimulate my thinking and motivate myself... i need to be a profesional.. i need to be a profesional.. i called up my bf to let him know two things that i wanted him to change.. as mentioned eralier, our partner may not fufill the characteristics of our dream guy, so tell him and hope that he would change his attitude to accomodate ur needs.. it was ok, just that he wanted to talk longer, into love stuffs and etc.. but i have no time..perhaps, there are so much things in my mind that i can't really allocate that as much time as i used to for him.. anyway, i am going back in two months time and we have the whole time to talk about luv and etc..

another thing in my mind, if u notice the character lord of the rings that i was supposedly claimed to be, stated that I am too good for everyone.. ye ke..i don't want to accept that blindly, i mean to accept it would may be create this riak feeling or stgh.. no i don't want, everything comes from Allah, not from myself..but from my Lord.. and that's the reason i think i am looking for sbdy to challenge myself, my thinking and etc.. the only guy that had the capability of doing this was Sayid (he was in california), but hello, he's 30, abit old for myself and now he's happily married after he left to malaysia... thus now, no body, everyone just accept what i think, how i look at things, how i manage everything., everyone thinks i am capable of being on my own that i don't need their support, advices and etc. nobody told me, "well, there's a better way to solve this matter, well, here's another option for u to take..NO..nobody tells me anything.. yes ,my beloved freinds do listen to my sappy problems and at times i wud listen to them, but here, i am referring to a broder contexst.. ahhh,..i don't know if u guys wud understand what i mean.. ok take for instance, my bf, he wud accept everything i argue and he won't argue back.. i want sbdy to give me a great kick on my head and say, hello, miss, i am going to beat u.. perhaps, it's true i am too damn good and i am longing for someone that i think is compatible to myself.. oh Ya Allah... please give me ur guidance Ya Allah..please222


Two things that have gotten into my nerve.. FIrst, that bloody hell Mara, officer dia Encik Fuad Abdullah stgh.. my scolarship application was rejected due to the fact yg hanya akan diberikan kepada pelajar2 cemerlang.. Bloody hell... 3 degrees in 3 years, 2 with honors and soa exam.. tak cemerlang lagi.. I am really going to sound that guy this monday.... really eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..GERAM..
Second thing i am a bit upset with my parents.. Ya Allah, please lah mama and bapa, be optimist about the future.. they kept on asking me to balik duduk di malaysia, ke new york later, or cam mana kalau bank tak bagi, or cam mana kalau itu ini.. hello, i dun't have all the asnwers with me now.. i can't forsee what is written for me.. but please be optimist and be supportive and pray that Allah will make everything moves smoothly.. There are two main categories of people taht could easily get into my nerve.. 1. those that are pessimist, thinking on negative outcomes 2. those that like to condemn others and critisize here and there yet, they are unwilling te bear the responsibility.. eg, my dad who likes to criticize the government and pak lah when i told him that we shud support the gov, and give them a chance. ..(i am not into BN but support the ruling party, whatever party it is).. no some people (macam kat kedai2 kopi tu juga) hentam sana sini, kalau macam tu, mereka cuba jadi pm, tgk terpikulkah bebanan tu..

So i was sad, unhappy, slighlty mad but i'm glad bcs this make me realize that only Allah is my source of strength.. i am going to perform dhuha prayer and ask Allah for his guidance.. Amy, i luv u so much, u'll make it, insyaallah.

p/s: people don't officiate the comment box yet since Awan had requested to be the first one officiating it.. still the idea of comment box is not that ..appealing i wud say..

7 pm.. the wind was blowing harshly, there's a forecast that it might snow again, and i am excited of seeing snow when we are about to enter spring season.. Physically tired and emotionally exhausted..i have been lacking of sleep all these while.. sleep aroun 2 and would wake up around 4.30 to catch up here and there on my study... Oh Ya Allah, well, Amy another two months to go then u are all set..Yes, two months, insyaallah... Spring break is tomorow, and the town is now dead, everyone leaves Iowa heading elsewhere that they calim to be warmer or more happening than to stuck in this small little city with little things to do.. I want to stuck here, yes.. spring break is something i am longing for, to settle my thesis, to pamper and indulge myself in something that won't deprieve my look, my youthful skin and importantly my health.. I need to make a to-do list and make sure i'll finish them by the end of the spring break... I am obviously out of idea at this instant so for any stimulating topic to lighten up ur mind, please visit Awan's website... i think i'm just going to end here...

to do list:
complete my honors thesis
reply emails and cards from everyone
cut back on junk crackers and oreo
lose my weight to 45kg or less.
homework, econs, maths, music and religions class
review regression and loss models,prepare for soa.
reply cornell forms
give joni and sharon and shila and who else a call
get back to my yoga
ok waht else.. can't really think at this moment, mentally tired... think i'll off to bed earlier tonight...

Danian + shila: stop teasing la..lol..... awan is still budak2 ok.. show some good example please
Awan: just abaikan these two.. they are notty fellows.

The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live."
-Joan Borysenko

How will I live? I have no idea. I dream of living with nobility, with respect, with everything that i dream of to come true.. I'll endeavour to try my best insyaallah.

This was sent by my sister T and she asked if I approved on this..My answer..pretty true..but i don't know, sometimes, though this is what u are expecting from a guy then turn out he doesn't have this qualities, so are u going to dump him or stg......u can try to change him and make him possess the qualities that u dream of..but i haven't reply her mail yet..


****What will my dream guy be like? So here's my list, enjoy.

(1) Intelligent, not a genius but yes, intelligent.
(2) Relatively good looking, or at least average. He doesn't have to be Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise.
(3) Patient.
(4) Good sense of humour is a must!
(5) Good listener
(6) A Muslim! Must, must, must!
(7) A sunset-lover. (A person who loves sunsets in case you were getting funny ideas)
(8) Proficiency in the English Language is required. No ah bengs.
(9) Sweet and caring
Last but not least,
(10) He knows how to enjoy a good musical.

There you have it! My list! But the question is.... do I actually deserve such a guy? Hmmm....****

this is entirely hers...do i have my list...no, do i need a list as well...perhaps not..enough chores in my life to be settled than to think of a list of my dream guy..


Thanks for all the wishes, appreciate it alot and mean so much... I'll write more after my exam..

i shall post up here the last journal written by Beethoven quite touching indeed plus with the fact that he was suffering from deafness at his old age..and i will confine myself away from everything and concentrate on my study....

wish i had live in the early period to meet with mozart, beethove, vivaldi, bach and etc...

At the music library..I know that i now have high passion for music and the exam is this tursday, and so much things to study to memorize, to store into my mind...but insyaallah, let's pray that I'll make it..


So now i understand the questions impose by Danian and Shila..truly it;s my fault for not telling u people earlier about anyone else in my life..yes, nothing to be kept secret among us..and i am truly sorry about this..I know u guys are pretty concern and wonder who this out of no where awan may be..well, i just discovered him by chance, by coincidence, half hoping that i'll meet him half thinking that probably i won't even keep in touch with him again..he is my long lost primary school friend, my kawan sekampung, put it that way... he never esixts in our life, our social outings all these years just that recently, i manage to get hold of him..

Danian: I know that to share on all these account information and etc. is may be not a wise thing, unless if that person is ur really close friend, even close freind as well, they seldom disclose on all these.... But the way i look at it, each and everyone of us has his/her own advantages and skills that others do not possess.. u may be good in ur chambering, law, civil rights, rules and regulations, i may be be good in econs, awan is good in computers and shila is good in management, but at the end of the day, we are just old buddies..the person next door... u are still the notty boy that used to tease us, i am still the same old fellow who used to lepak at bowling alley at midlands... yes, end of the day..we are just the same way we are..no one is indispensable among us, no one is more superior than another person, and with our advantages and capabilities, skills that we have, we share and try to help one another to excel.. just like what i used to say, it's useless/worthless if u possess millions of dollars in this world but u can't contribute anything... I share my knowledge and my understanding with u people.. that i love most....

It's my fault that i kept this as a secret from all of u, but insyaallah perhaps one day, all of us can meet and may be there'll be chemistry among us, and we build a new bond of friendship, a new link and a new contact...

Shila: Yes, i am bless to be in America, syukran jazillan.. to Allah The Almighty..alhamdullilah.. but seriously, the notion of into money is not really in me...I am a person u knew once, never had that much savings..would go after anything i think will benfeits myself (take my braces for instance, i spend off all my savungs until form five simply to put that band around my teeth)... but there are people who is into money bcs of their responsibity and obligation to others, to their parents perhaps, to their little siblings may be and etc..Some of us are fortunate that we are born with our parents having the capacity of provding us with luxury, some of us are lucky enough that we have a rich bf that all ur demands could be fulfill..but the majority of us are not... majority of the society work hard for betterment in their life, to upgrade and increase their level in this society and may be not to be left out behind in this world and modenization where money is everything... The whole point what i am depicting to awan is not to show off, to say hey look, i have this so.and so amount of money..no..definitely i won't do that for fear that Allah's rezeki that has bestowed upon myself would be ripped off.. no... just that i have extra knowledge on where the opportunities of obtaining money lies, so i am sharing it with everyone... u guys can listen to my story or suggestions but at the end of the day, it will still be ur own judgement..ur own decision.. ur own choice..

Awan: they are just curios from where this awan comes from..of course, from awan gemawan...

Dearest people that i luv most,
sorry for not telling the whole thing to u guys earlier... my fault.... i'll promise that nothing to be kept secret later in the future and hey poeple..I luv u all ok.. and pray that i'll do well in this music exams..who knows i may be the next siti..(Oh please...)..he..he..he..

Posted by: Amy / 7:39 AM

Dear my darling friends,

I suppose life sometimes tends to push you down when you're trying to stand on your own feet again. It always hits you when you're most vulnerable. But that's what makes us stronger. Just when you're about to give up, something comes along, and reminds you that life is worth living after all. The human spirit never fails to amaze me, people can accomplish wonders with determination and a little sprinkle of hope and faith. And trust me, you can accomplish miracles too. I luv u people...

Amy..


p/s: why am i so in loving mood ni? I am happy tbcs that quizzila said that i have a golden heart..wow..betulkah ini..

i am a little exhausted, done with two quizzes today and two upcoming midterm this thursday and spring break this week..SPRING BREAK!!! I WANT A BREAK!!!I'll be stuck here in Iowa although Andrew, Wee kiat, brenda and ken do offer to tag along to misouri..Oh no..I just can;t go..too much work, this is the only time i have to catch up here and there and most important to settle with my honors thesis and defend it in May..that's the whole headache, i have to think on how FDIC should not exist if we don't have interest..How am i suppose to know... I asked that to my prof and he said i have to forsee..How to forsee... How to predict this...AHHH..it's ok i'll give a thought on this later..SO now is MArch and my money is flowing out like water...I remember a verse from a poem.. Money, money, u come in so slow but u leave me so fast...SO true indeed. I have to pay for my Soa exam - US300, my deposit to Cornell -US200...and my rent for two months (US630)..so there goes all my savings...huk..huk..huk...Now it seems so impossible indeed for me to reach my target bfr leaving back to Malaysia...It's ok, let's pray that i'll hit a jackpot or stgh and somehow the rezeki falls from somewhere i do not forsee..Oh Allah the Almighty, please fulfill my dreams of achieveing my target bfr I leave to Malaysia..Please Allah the Almighty, the most Gracious, The most kind, the Most mercifulll...Yes, i think i need to increase my solat dhuha and make more supplication to Allah, recite more of surah Waqiah and need to purify my intention, the most important thing..yes..Ok insyaallah..

So what shuld i write here..I am completely out of ideas, i need to prepare myself for my two midterm this thursday and let's pray that I'll do well.. I'll write more on Martha Stewart's conviction, a lady who was once surrounded with glory, wealth and fame and now is she's facing a 20 years jail time..everything that she build falls apart, here and there people were criticizing calling her names that were never heard bfr the conviction..friends revealing negative side of her... with this conviction, her whole life turn upside down and her downfall leads to losing everything that she once owns. Ok, i am not being on her side..but look at it this way, she's a human, she makes mistake, nobody is prefect..people make mistake..this is her first mistake..yes, thousands of people lose jobs when she dumps her shares, yes, companies;s hares plummeted and the price drop below the book value, yes, everything went on hay wire.. but to condemn on what she's doing is not the rite way to do.. Ok, may be i'm not sure what i am trying to say here..but the whole point is, u see when u experience a downfall in ur lives, everyone that u were hoping to give a moral support just walk away.... I hope this won't happen to me and alhamdullillah, those friends that ihvae are friends that undergone both the ups and downs in my life..They are my loyalists and i luv them so much... it means a lot to me (perhaps to everyone else) to know that u have friends to share ur sadness and happiness.. to be with u no matter how bad things turn out to be on u..Have i ever experience any downfall? yes, definitely, but my downfall is not as bad as Martha stewart.. I rise from the downfall and i know who were there with me.. So people..beware, there are dozens of people outhere hoping for ur downfalls, for things to break into pieces on u... but remain strong and stay tight... Let Allah alone be ur best disposer.. and appreciate ur friends and be there for them when they need u as they are there when u need them..Ur loyalist...MY friends...


luv,
Amy

I know that I should be off studying at this moment, but there’s something I really need to post here before it slip off my mind..Yes I have got a place at Cornell, yes I am excited, yes, I am glad and grateful to Allah, yes I am aware that I need to double my effort..yes, I need to fulfill my dreams..but that is not the main thing I wanted to type here..I wanted to catogorized people that exist in my life so I could truly understand who are my true friends, my temporary friends and make better judgement in the future, whom I should place higher priority and who should come later…The Quizzilla was rite, I luv everyone and almost everything, and that was the main reason why my color is pink..but it also warned me on the fact that not everyone feels the same way as I do..Yes, that is true….Some of my friends that use to exist in my life has been separated via time and distance that they no longer see the need of keeping in touch with their old friends…. I should understand that they might have their own colleagues and click now, and they don’t feel like tracking their old buddy….What a world..I use to think that everyone would feel the same way as I do, excited that u manage to get hold of ur old friend, to hear how she/he is doing…But no, different people has different taste and behaviour…So, the whole point is, friends come and go and only the true friends remain with u till the end…..I’m posting the changes in my preference now:

My fav. Cookies: Oreo dip in milk
Fav. Chips: Doritos
Fav Brand: Tommy Hilfilger..
Fav. Perfume: Pleasure by Estee Lauder and teatree by elizabeth arden
Fav. Lipstick: LancomeFav. Color: red/pink
Fav. Magazine: fortune/forbes/nona/jelita..too many..

People I indebted for life: Mama and bapa, aunty dibah. My late grandparents
My closest aunts and uncles: aunty niza, mak cak, pakcak, and uncle azmi.My closest gf/my loyalist that wud back me up in everything or stand for me when others are trying to topple me down:
Sggs: Shila, Alia and Dina
UiTM: Aida, Eila, Sham, Jieja, Awin, Siti rahimah, kak azah, na..ok for the time being those are the names I could remember.
Iowa: none…can’t trust anyone..everyone thinks everyone is so good but indeed they are just good in talking but zero outcome.
Person I feel guilty and wish things will be better: My boyfriend, Tengku Adnan Tengku Abdullah…I luv him..may be it’s time for me to accept him as he is and be grateful that there is somebody who love me wholeheartedly…we’ll see how it goes when I get back to Malaysia….
My closest guy friends that are honest and sincere in telling if u are wrong or rite and offer shoulders to cry on, they would leave everything and listen to ur sappy story:
Danian, Azlan, KR, Omara, Abdul farid, (khairul used to be in the list, not until he’s getting married recently, I felt it’s no longer appropriate to share everything with him anymore).
My beloved profs: Dr. Wan eny zarina, Dr Siti Hasmah, prof, Nelson, Dr. Mashitah..Prof. Jorgenson..
People I hate most in this life that I wish bad thing wud happen to that person: NN (UiTm)…and kak n..(org jaga kat library sggs…Shila, if u still remember, what she did was so mean..( I know I should be more forgiven but what these people did is so unforgettable..but I won’t revenge or anything…Allah knows best..let alone Allah handles everything…
My best housemate/roommate: Janelle, na..
People I am interested in knowing them better and getting closer: M.Farid..initially it was bcs I had this unforgettable childhood memories (std.2) that I keep on thinking all thsse years,..and the notion that my first luv wud be my last luv..but now, merely to exchange ideas and see how we can help each other to excel in this life. I respect his way of thinking and looking at things though in many aspects it differs from mine. Hassan Kamil, the gorgeous CEO of Aetna, my former boss, i wish he had asked me for a date or stgh..I admire him and he is the influence to myslf in pursuing professional exams…
My dream guys: Raja Nazrin Shah..Pemangku raja perak.. and prince Williams…don’t ask me why..

I will add more people if i remember anyone else…

5pm...Alhamdullillah praise and glorious be to Allah S.W.T The Almighty, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful..check my mail box just now, and something i have been waiting patiently, anticipating day by day has finally arrived..YES!!! I have finally being accepted to Cornell University Ithaca New York, Alhamdullillah..Hopefully this will be my source of motivation to study hard and insyaallah one day i will try to contribute to the society, bearing the responsibility as a daughter, as a student and most important as a servant of Allah...Alhamdullillah ...and insyaallah. (I have niat to have kenduri doa selamat, insyaallah)

Cornell is a prestigious university that have produced world leaders..Goh Chok Tong and his son and etc..Now i wonder if am i seeking for stgh too much....OH Allah give me guidance to the right path and assist me in everything that i plan to do..Oh Allah The Almighty, please be with me and do not let myself swerve after u have guided me..Thank u Allah...Thank U The Almighty...

Taken from berita harian online:

Katakanlah:” Hai hamba-hamba-Ku yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri, janganlah kamu berputus asa daripada rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sesungguhnya Dia Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang” – Surah al-Zumar, ayat 53.


Firman Allah bermaksud:” Tidak ada orang yang berputus asa dari rahmat Tuhan-Nya, kecuali orang-orang yang sesat”. – Surah al-Hijr, ayat 56.

Hai anak Adam, selagi kamu memohon doa kepada-Ku dan mengharapkan Daku, Aku mengampuni kamu apa yang kamu lakukan dan Aku tidak peduli berapa banyaknya. Hai anak Adam, sekiranya dosamu sebanyak awan di langit, kemudian kamu memohon ampun kepada-Ku, Aku ampunkannya, Aku tidak peduli. Hai anak Adam, sekiranya kamu datang kepada-Ku dengan dosa-dosa sepenuh bumi, kemudian kamu menemui-Ku dalam keadaan tidak menyekutui-Ku dengan sesuatupun, nescaya Aku menerimamu dengan keampunan sepenuh bumi pula”. – Hadis Riwayat al-Tirmizi.

Manusia boleh menipu orang ramai, akan tetapi dia tidak mampu menipu daya Allah. Firman Allah bermaksud:” Mereka hendak menipu Allah dan orang-orang yang beriman, pada hal mereka menipu dirinya sendiri sedang mereka tidak sedar. Dalam hati mereka ada penyakit, lalu ditambah Allah penyakitnya; dan bagi mereka seksa yang pedih, disebabkan mereka berdusta.”– Surah al-Baqarah, ayat 9-10.

Sebahagian ulama menceritakan bahawa syaitan akan menjelma ketika seseorang menghadapi kematian dalam rupa bapanya yang telah meninggal, lalu berkata kepadanya:” Hai anakku, – sambil ia menangis dan menunjukkan benar-benar ingin memberi nasihat kepadanya – Aku hanya mengharapkan kebaikan untukmu, janganlah kamu mati dalam Islam, sebaliknya matilah dalam agama Nasrani. Sekiranya sepanjang hidupnya sentiasa taat kepada Allah, lalu Allah akan teguhkan pendiriannya di atas kebenaran. Sekiranya ia seorang yang tidak patuh dan komited kepada ajaran Islam, Allah akan biarkan, mungkin ia akan mati dalam kekufuran dan kekal di dalam neraka. Firman Allah Taala bermaksud:” Allah meneguhkan (iman) orang yang beriman dengan ucapan yang teguh itu dalam kehidupan di dunia dan di akhirat, dan Allah menyesatkan orang yang zalim dan memperbuat apa yang Dia kehendaki”. - Surah Ibrahim, ayat 27

Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife."
-Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady-

I came across this quote the other day....and it intrigues my interest to question Why do this quote exist at first place? How far is that true anyway? Are woman truly that impossible to understand? Are women that troublesome and demanding? Or can we safely say that "the men don't get it"?

Don't think i'll post a long entry for today..But hey people, try out those quizzes that i've posted at the bottom of this blog...Am i that free to try those quizzess..whatlah Amy

Danian: I'm not sure if he still go jamming lah since he has his own musical sets at his house...But if he still do, perhaps at usual place, Bukit Jambul or Midlands..

***Sometimes I wonder what my calling in life is...what Allah has in store for me. Maybe He'll show it to me in due course, maybe I'll find out for myself. But whatever it is, that's something worth living for. Have you sometimes wondered your meaning in life? What role you play among this huge mass of souls walking by you everyday? I truly wonder...can I make a difference? Yes, I can. If I truly believe in it. ***

I have ample of work to do and everything needs to be settled by next week since th spring break is in a week time....I haven't called up this guy yet..I don't know, his charming smile do sometimes appear in my eyes and mind..Eeeeeee.....I don't want all these thing to happen..U see, i don't think i want him to come closer in my life..There are people in this world that i think i should be distance away and not allowing them to know me any further, and i wonder if this guy is one of these people i shud be shunning away...No doubt, i am in complete boredom and loneliness..I have been like this for three years (every malaysian here has their own life), my housemate went to chicago to meet up with her bf, and here i am as usual, doing accomplishing my work, assignmenets, hwk and etc..His existence at this instance only distract my routine, my dull life.. I am use to my life, no date and etc, and now he appears, putting myself in dilemma of going out and spending couple hours with him or just confine myself at home, alone with my loneliness and boredom...l i couldn't comprehend what is he really looking for...COmpared to white americans, i am completely a typical asian lady, petite, small sizes in everything (not that i have big boobs or whatsoever that make men drive crazy over)..eeeeee..so confuse...Though i am searching for love but just not at this time and perhaps not the rite person as well....EEEeeee, apakah bahananya ini?

Remember i told u guys i accidentally deleted Joe's last luv letter..Think i am posting it here, as a memoir in mylife..(found them in one of my email folders)something that i really treasured, with Joe, i learnt the true love, the lesson of not flirting around with guys..( i have a lot of bfs....never last more than two months, the most, bfr Joe came into my life)..I was with him for two years, we separated bcs of many reasons....he's a special person..his luv was beyond boundaries, his luv is the true luv that every girl is hunting for...joe is now a 'musician'..has his own band and he plays musics at many functions/ceremonies in penang...The last time i heard, he was playing at pesta pulau pinang..(he used to compose music and play/sing them for me)...anyway, i'll pray that he'll lead a sucesful life and may he find the rite woman to be with him.....I luv him but i just can't see my future with him..OH AMY>>>..

Assalamualaikum...


Aku sebenarnya tak tahu macam mana nak mulakan.Hmmmm...sebelum itu selamat hari raya..maaf zahir dan batin.Raya kali ini tak kurang meriahnya.... tapi aku rasa ada sedikit kejanggalan.Apa yg lainya??? Ya Nur Amy......pangilan dari awak!!!!!Gila bukan???apa yg menjadi isu?entah lah Nur Amy yg pasti aku dah letih dan sakit bila berperasaan begini.Awak tahu sampai bila ia akan berakhir...?Jgn silap sangka aku tak minta untuk kau hubungi ......tapi mungkin doa aku dimakhbulkan Allah.Setiap kali kau menghubungi ku...setiap kali aku akan merana dan gila.Demi ALLAH dan RASUL namamu tak pernah padam dalam hati ini.Ya ...kalau kau rasa ini merupakan balasan terhadapku...aku redha.Kibarkanlah bendera kemenangan kerana aku benar2 kalah dgn panahan cinta semalam.Apa yg kuluahkan ini bukan bermaksud apa2...ya kita harus terima hakikat yg berlalu biarkan berlalu...tapi cuma satu permintaan .....pergilah buat selamanya!tak usah lagi hadir dalam hidup ini walau dengan apa cara sekalipun....walau sebagai teman.Ketahuilah bagimu ...kau bagiku adalah insan yg pernah dan terus kucinta ...yg tak mungkin bagiku wujud sebagai hanya teman biasa.Bagimu.. aku mungkin gila tapi biarlah aku terus menjadi aku.Sebenarnya sudah lama ku ingin meluahkan apa yg terpendam tetapi amat berat untuk kulakukan mungkin kerana keegoan atau aku gemar menipu diri sendiri.Ya ...Nur Bellezzaku,,, aku tahu kau telah bahagia cuma yg ku pinta berilah aku kesempatan untuk turut mencari sinar kebahagiaan.Tolonglah.....jangan kau hadir lagi walau dalam mimpiku ...Nur Amy.Aku fikir tak mungkin derita ku akan sembuh seandainya panahanmu sekali sekali menjengah tiba.Hmmm ... maaf kerana perutusanku in mungkin tak diundang dan menggangu ruangan hidupmu tapi mungkin ini sahaja untuk ku meredakan kenangan yg menyeksakan.Nur Amyku.........tamatkanlah sengsara ini!. Sebenarnya aku berasa amat malu kerana meluahkan dan merayu pada kau begini tetapi ....Allhamdulillah kerana Dia memberi aku kekuatan untuk aku melakukan sesuatu yg sepatutnya dah lama aku lakukan.Maafkanlah diri ini...................salam sejahtera.

written on Dec. 7 2003....

1.40pm..I had a good sleep last night and woke up at 5.30, thought i would manage to catch up with smbhyg tahajjud, turn out subuh is now at 5.15...emm, a drastic change from the usual time as spring season is appraoching (usual time 6.15am)....called up my parents, my dad was excited with the notion that my sister F is getting into university and then he touvhed on the matter of my cousin nini who is getting married and having their honeymoon at home while the inlaws are away..It's so not my dad to share such stuff with me..perhaps he thought i am big enough to know all these things...spoke with my mum not until she broght up the subject of my turn getting married, an usual case..and i on the other hand would constantly defend my argument that i am so not ready and in fact i am just 24...perhaps another 2 years of being single would be ok..i think, i don't know..when it came to this sort of subject, i am so clueless....i am so uncertain, so unsure and so insecure...This is a lifetime matter...u are spending the rest of ur life with this one person and u just don't know how it would turn out to be..For the time being, i am putting this matter off my mind..i am not going to bother about it yet (though my aunts and mums would keep on nagging on this issue)..the way i look at it, they just don't understand my dreams and they want me to follow the norm, the trend ( my mum could ask my second sister to get married first since she's going to Uk with the bf)..i will insyallah, one day..just not in this near future..My initial plan was to go home to malaysia, get married and come here again with my future hubby...i have been alone, loneliness and boredom have been accompnying me all these 3 years....but now with everything that is happening, the initial plan seems to be impossible..I know that i use to question life a lot....I question life, I question love, I question my devotion and dedication to living life the way I'm meant to. With passion, with zeal. To take all obstacles in good humour, to laugh and say "I can make it through this". And now I'm tired of telling myself the same thing. I'm tired. Just tired. So now, i am putting an end to this uncertain questions and dreams, surrendering my fate to what has been written in the book of decree that the best will fall upon myself..insyaallah..

So there goes the heated debate, I understand and i bet danian and shila understood as well that Azlan did not meant what he said..Come on Azlan, sometimes we use to say things that we don't meant..take it easy ok..It was a sensitive issue, the way i look at it..more into digging out one's personal way pf looking at life..I was lucky enough that when i was in Uitm, TA did not have a car (he left his car in kelantan) and we would walk each time we went out..i prefer walking to driving (it's good for one's posture and it's a form of exercise)...so we walked to almost everywhere..walked from Bukit Bintang to KLCC with myself wearing high heells..ha..ha..ha..that was how i picked up the skills of controlling /composing myself in walking with high heels...(completely unlike my sister that chose a bf with a big car, but whatever)...U see i was with TA after two years of knowing each other..It was in my fifth semester, almost graduating from UitM..and we both were public figures and role models to everyone....unlike myself, TA is more the modern type..an usual case for the men..religions and everything that is in it come second..the first time he held my hand, i was surprrised and inside of me was contemplating if i shud be telling him, it was haram..he shudn't do that...i luv him yes, but i was scared that Allah's blessing will no longer fell upon myself..so the debate went till i had the guts (may be 2hours later) to tell him not to do that again..so well, guys, u see no matter how many time u told them, they would never give up in trying..the temptation is still there..so that night ended with him saying ok..but the same thing repeated on the next outtings and the debate would keep on alarming in my mind..and i lost....so the devil win....i failed to stand up for what i believe, for the cause of Allah..I was blessed that I stayed in college and i have to come back before 11pm....i'm not sure if things wud be more severe if i were to stay outside..and at that instant, i realized that i need to run away from all this lust temptation thing and the offer to study here came just at the rite time..and i am highly glad that nothing stupid ever took place...to my dear sister T that i am worrying now...she is going to uk with her bf and don't u think the idea of them getting married first bfr leaving would be more appealing..but will my parents and his parents agree..AHhhh.......susah betul nak convince kalau the way ur parents look at things secara half secular...

What else should i write here..i have a date this weekend and i am suppose to call him..i don't know, don't feel like going out..my weight increases to 47 kg....shitlah...(m usual weight is 45)..emm, why do women need to be concerned of so much things..the way we dress up, we have to beat the woman next door, the way we compose ourself, we talk, we walk, everything need to be compose and controll...we strive to be the best in everything we venture..Why...EEEEEEEE..remind me of the time when we were in high school when girls that often get attention and popualr were the one that possess the beauty, brain and excel in co-curricular activities..but the package need to be there...if u leave out one criteria, u are less likely to get the attention..this drove us to spend a lot of money to follow the demand and the trend..in my case thousand were spend on my braces, hundreds perhaps on hanging out with my friends, shopping, facial and etc..Now..can i stop myself from following the way people look at things and be myself..I am being myself just that i would try to secure a higehr place in socitey by spending on all thse things..Ain't it hard to be woman...But I AM PROUD OF BEING A WOMAN for if i am a man, i woulld hvae greater responsibility, greater expenses and etc....

Being a woman is never easy, but at the end of the day I know it's worth it.

A Letter from God

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to
me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for
something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a
few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one
point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a
chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me
but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip
instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt
embarrassed to talk to me,that is why you didn't bow your head and thanked me. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a
few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV
or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each
day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your
family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because
you may not realize that I am always there for you.. I've got patience,
more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with
others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a prayer or thought,
or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with
nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,
GOD


Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence.
He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing. Without him, I am nothing; but with
Him I can do all things that strengthens me.

At the library, done with my maths test..Do i study hard for this exam..perhaps and perhaps not...I'm just praying that all the answers i wrote met the requirement that the prof is looking for..insyaallah..

Remember me when I'm gone away~ Gone far away into the silent land~ When you can no more hold me by the hand~ Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay~ Remember me when no more day by day~ You tell me of our future that you planned~ Only remember me; you understand......

All who wander are not lost.

An article that i think is pretty interesting: I'm just posting it here and see u guys reaction...I think it is well written and a reminder to all Don Giovanni...

*****Virginity. A virtue which is prized throughout the entire world, regardless of culture, language or religion. Virgins. Men want them, bitches hate them. That pure, unblemished, blushing bride all men are dying to get their hands on. But, I have a question for you gentlemen. Where do you expect to get your virgin brides if you continue your promiscuous behaviour? Do you sleep with the same woman time and time again? If you keep "depleting" the world of your precious virgins, how do expect to find one for yourself in future?

Men and their infuriating ideals have plagued women for centuries. Thanks to them, women who use men with the freedom with which men use women are called sluts. However men who use women in the same way are considered "studs". Is society really that warped? So where do you draw the line? How far are men allowed to go?

When we speak of virgins we picture lovely, almost divine Disney princesses basking in the sun singing to assorted forest creatures. But what do we make of hip virgins? Virgins not afraid nor weak nor helpless. Virgins who wear sexy clothes, who club endlessly, who are loud and outspoken. Do such virgins go against the social norm or are they the social norm? Why do men picture virgins to be the epitome of their deepest chauvinistic fantasies? Though I fully agree that virginity is a virtue in its own right and should only be given to one's husband, I am absolutely baffled by the image it concocts. White dresses and shy smiles, a soft voice and a submissive nod. All I can say is UH-HUH...

To risk sounding like a feminist, are men really such pigs? They seduce virgins, sleep with them then dump them and the cycle goes on. But yet they demand that they brides be virgins. Even though they’re not. UH-HUH. When questioned they reply: "All the experience I gained ensures that I can satisfy you in bed, that way I wouldn't hurt you". A wide grin. UH-HUH. Moral of the story: Make your husband take a blood test before you marry him. Just in case. Syphilis may just pop up.

It's official. The days of Romeo and Juliet have now turned to dust. It's now the age of impure love (or lust) or the age of un-innocence. Cynicism rules. And I'm going with the flow. By the way, in case you’re interested, I am a virgin. I plan to stay that way until I'm married. I'm an un-politically correct Disney Princess. And I'm proud to be one. *******

This is completely unrelated to anyone, not meant to offend anybody as well....Something interesting i think i ought to share with everyone..I remembered when I was in malaysia, most of the speakers of Majlis Agama that I attended would constantly tell us on women's role..we have to do this and that to please our husband and if there were to be a failure in a marriage, the blame is always on the women themselves...fail to be a good wife, fail to accomodate ur husband;s need, fail to entertain ur husband that he goes and looks after other woman..all the blame, the fault on us woman..I accepted them bluntly last time not till i came here when i realized, no..all these crappy same reasons by these people should be stop..we women, should be treated equally as men....men (referring to the husbands) should respect their wives and understand that being ur wives, doesn't mean that they are ur possessions or objects that have to bear ur order, no,indeed ur wives are only fragile women who need ur protection, devoted love and attention...ur companion...The responsibility in making a succesful marriage comes from both party...***Kalau nak isteri seperti Saiditina Fatima, diri hendaklah seperti Saidina Ali***..What a world..

Azlan Yes, it won't effect u Azlan, insyaallah one day u'll realize and appreciate the existence of women in ur life.

Danian: Yes, i quite agree with u...What is in the past is in the past..I don't think anyone should reveal ur past to ur future partner..Repentence is the best remedy..If Allah, The Most forgiven could firgive its servants, why not us?..

Shila: Taken from a magazine online, I think...Shila, everyone hopes to bear a pure, good generation ....worry about my future children...emm, perhaps, I don't know, i worry a lot..ha..ha..ha..this is no exception as well...

Dearest Diary,
Almost 12.30am, just came back from the library..i have exam this friday and alhamdullillah i have finished with the next chapter and only left with a few pages to cover..hopefully, insyaallah Allah will be with me for this upcoming exam...Pretty exhausted after the long walk..need to sleep after taking my shower and i have to wake up earlier now, earlier enough for me to catch on tahajjud prayers...I have been overwhelmed with excitement and happiness lately..why, well for some reasons..perhaps things have been moving pretty smoothly lately, perhaps i have more confident in myself now..perhaps my astrological report convince myself that i am going to do well., perhaps i have my beloved friends around....I don't know, I am grateful that everything is ok..but at the same time i am worried if anything unexpected happen, some difficulties or catastrophy might fall upon my shoulder...for to be frankly, i completely don't like barriers or hardship in life..I want things to go smoothly as i have planned..well insyaallah we'll see..

Dearest Amy,I read my personal report "number 9" and stgh that make me wonder...Do i suffer from injuries in life..Do I...yes and no..Do i often being beaten by my dad when i was young..i won't say often but his angry words that make me study hard to excel in life...study hard to prove that I will excel in life..study hard to be the best among my sisters, among everyone..not only academically but in everything even though it mean undergone a severe pain in life..partly it was my fault for being a rebellious child...but no doubt, in my opinion, my parents way of handling children as well...well, no parents are perfect and i know they strive to be the perfect parents for us.. but their approach is wrong, partly..and that was why my report stated that i will be worrying over my children later in the future..yes, may be..very true..i don't want my children to go through what i've been through, they shall have better life than what i have.. and i will be an example to them..I always believe that i need to excel so that my children will emulate myself in the future and takem e as their role model...

So do i suffer a lot of injuries in life..yes may be..i do..i often go againts the norm..i often do things that i think is the best for myself though it means to go againts what my parents said....eg; when i wore my braces, with my money allowance of Rm30 per month in form 4 and form 5, i managed to pay for my braces that cost Rm 2400.....Came to think about it, i would smile with grateful and pride that i succesfully paidfor my braces without my anyone help..,,what else..well, so much things..injuries in life..too broad that definition..but with every injuries and pain that i went through..i know i am a strong independent woman..alhamdullillah..I take responsibility for everything i do and the report was rite, i am physically and mentally strong...

I don't want to post anything on current issue in this entry...more about thinking about myself..

wondering if i'll be somebody in the future..if my dreams will turn into reality.. wondering if i'll manage to have my own house and car one day, wondering if i will be FSA one day..wondering if i'll get a chance to go into Cornell, wondering if my bf is my future husband..wondering of my responsibility as the eldest in the family, my responsibility to the society..wondering if my dad will get along with me.....wondering if everything will move as what i plan..wondering..wondering..wondering...wondering if i'll see iowa again, wondering if i'll see my housemate and my classmates again...Huh..so much to think and to wonder..

Dearest Amy,
Pray and keep up the good work..Allah knows best everything that has been preordained to u..Luv ur self and work towards ur goal..Pray to Allah the Almighty that ur goal and dreams will turn into realities..and remember, with every hardship there is a relief..insyaallah,Amy, i luv u forever....


***Like every great revolution, people will have to fight and suffer for their rights. Civil disobedience made criminals out of Henry David Thoreau, Martin Luther king Jr., Mohandas Ghandi and etc..**** I will...

I am at the library now, my class is until 1.30pm and then i shall confine myself at Siemann center and finish my study...There are so much distractions at home lately....with my comfortable bed, my clothes (keep on looking if they are matching or not), my mirror and my housemate, Janelle..U see, Janelle is malaysian chinese (a budhist) who is interested in finding the truth of chirstianity and islam..Her boyfriend, Yi LI is from China is a christian who often attended all this bible study..so she has numerous questions to ask me and making comparison to islam...I on the other hand, need to provide a concrete fact and turn out, instead of studying my maths book, i would be looking up in the tafsir, trying to find what is stated in the quran and how it is more relevant to our life than what is stated in the bible...Last night, she asked me on prophet Noah (nabi Nuh) who she has read from the first chapter of bible (genesis) and was asking if the story is similar to the quran..As fas as i am concern, prophet noah was baing save in an ark afetr the big flood swiped out his country, killing Allah disbelievers including his son and his wife.. This contradicted to what was written in Genesis that his sons (he now has 3 sons instead of one) and his wife were saved as well...We don't know which is rite and which is wrong, and my only sources now would be the torah..need to get hold of torah from somewhere and check on what is stated in the torah...

So I won't be back perhaps until midnight and hopefully it won't rain..insyaallah...Didn;t get a chance to read newspaper this morning.....I think i wil buy that magazines and try to put up here some of the facts/ideas that i think would benefit all of us..I saw the other day their recommendation on calculation if u are qualified enough to proceed in buying a car/house or stgh..perhaps i'll put them up here...I

Yesterday, i had a chance to learn about beethoven's music...Beethoven's life itself sparked interest and admiration to its readers..He died after suffering of deafness and he left behind this book ( can't remember the name), not really a book. more like a journal about his life....He was a student to Hydin, He invented so much musics that were beyond his time.....Well, the whole point is, If anything were to happen to me, I hope my beloved friends would use my blog aka my diary to keep as a memoir...insyaallah...

Ok waht else, i'm going for my lunch now, and it's better to confine myself somewhere..I met Sam, he had his exam, but well, biasa sajalah..no time lah to think about all this crappy thing...

Danian: Yup, i can't disagree any further with u..the form five argument was stgh i will remembered...Tulah pasal, lain kali make sure management and administration of PFS telus..(i don't mean to start again, just nak bagi advice..he..he..he..he..) (that big fight/argument sparked during the annual gathering of PBSM at PFS....PFS was the organiser..We had this competition of bandaging (balutan) and etc, and SGGS was againts CGL (convent green lane)...This Danian, and his friends were among the pemberi markah, bukanlah complete markah, partially saja...turn out they gave higher points to CGL yg in fact sah222 harus fail saja dlm balutan tu...Their knot was not even tight enough..Their first aid kit was incomplete...hai...Tak faham asal mereka boleh dpt markah tinggi lak....Ok danian, i'm not going to start here, ok..

Shila: Bukan kau sorang cuak aku rasa, semua budak2 kat situ pun cuak..aku rasa kau cuak takut Danian hilang sabar dan aku nangis kat situ kan...Well, sorrylah kalau aku nak nangis depan dia, jgn haraplah..aku burst into tears masa kat belakang je..ha..ha..ha..what a childish act betul dulu...Memories..unforgetable memories..

Awan: I wrote a paper on pegging system juga, nanti boleh bagi u baca, insyaalah.....*** oh sesiapa nak informative ideas, discussion and etc..ke Blog Awan Putih...very the meriah participation nya ***

Oopps I forgot someone..Awan is my best match, and Danian is my good match..ye ke? Cam tak de chemistry je.....whatever lah..

This is stgh 90% true about myself whcih was forwarded by Janelle...U guys have tried kan..Danian is my good match....Ye ke Danian? ***Eh, Alia's birthday is coming...***



Number 9 >>

>>Hey, you guys are the un-compatible people in the world, you are so
>>strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will
>>work
>>hard and hard to get there, normally you suffer in the early age
>>from
>>family's problems and generally you will have fighting life, but
>>when
>>you achieve what you have done, it's always a big-task!! You are so
>>much respected in the community. You are a person who can make a
>>challenge and successfully finish the matter off. You are very
>>naughty
>>in your younger age, often beaten up by your parents, and involve
>>in
>>fights and you seemed to have lots of injuries in your life time,
>>but
>>when you grow, you become calm and macho type!!! Tell you what,
>>Love is
>>not an easy matter for you. You are good in engineering or banking
>>jobs
>>because people always trust you! Your family life is very good, but
>>will have worries over your children. Your qualities are
>>humanitarian,
>>patient, quick witted & compassionate, You are born to achieve
>>targets
>>and serve every one all equally without any prejudice! You are
>>totally
>>a Role Model to everybody in the world for a Great Inspiration!!! >>


>>Your best matches are 3, 5, 6, 9. Good match is 2.
>>

At the main library, i need to perform solah first bfr proceed to my econs class..hopefully, that Prof is ok today..A bit less motivated though alhamdullillah i manage to finish one chapter..another two to go..actually this topic is not that dull as i expected,,I learn about maths concept which is useful to be applied in the real world, insurance specifically since i am in that field..this maths concept that i have learnt introduce us to answer question mainly on how much premium should we decide for next year giving the current and the past years...We want to set an optimum premium so what should it be and here is what my maths concept is all about..although the book didn't even relate to thereal world and i would have to come out with my own imagination of when to use this thing...i think it's pretty useful..need to put more passion into it..for when a job is loves, everything else will be simpler...insyaallah..

There are couple of magazines i wanted to buy...But then alahai, should i spend 10us on these magazine...not that i will read everything but some of the articles seems to be interesting and beneficial enough especially on what i wrote here yesterday..Some calrification: Yasser Araft according to Forbes latest issue is one of the richest president/ruler in the world with asset amounting 200 million..Should i agree with Danian then...Very the B----...How does he accumulate so much wealth when thousands of palestinians are suffering, their camps being destroyed, living in poverty at the GAZA border, their dignity, pride and etc being robbed. their land being taken without their permission.....Very the B....And another interesting article to take note is on the review of the film, Passion, depicting the life of Jesus. This review intrigues my interest and curiosity bcs the imam at the mosque, prohibited us from watching that movie bcs it is an insult to our prophet Jesus, and will only harbour Allah anger...which i think is quite true because even Mel Gibson, the director, admitted that he deviate from what is written in the bible, "The problem is not with me or with my film, but the devout christians have problems with the new testament/the bible itself"..so in other words, what he is showing in the movie is not a complete truth of what actually happened and it was perhaps his modification to attract audience...Furthermore, the truth of whom killed Jesus was being hidden for fear that it might sparked anti - semitism since Jesus was killed by the Roman/ jewish...U see, i don't understand how the Christians, America in particular still would want to protect the Jewish people by supplying billions of dollars to Israelis for these people are the one that killed their Messiah/ Jesus...I'll explain on this later.

A consequence to my last night 's entry...The otehr African country that the president was being exiled is Liberia and the president was Charles Taylor...

Shila:Pagal ke..ha..ha..ha..lama aku tak dgr perkataan tu..very the pagal he...

Azlan: Hello Encik Azlan, not that i don't know how to handle guys ye..Three years i have stop dealing face to face with guys (except through the phones) and now i am experiencing something i have left three years ago..My skills are diminishing lol...Thanks for the advice..I know I have to study hard lah Azlan..need to use full force to bring myself to full motivation of studying, insyaallah..

Danian: I'll tell u later on that project Kalsum thing..I can't get hold of nizam after he left UK...Nizam kan ex pemuda belia Umno Uk stgh, so getting hold of him would help me in collecting the fund..I think once everyone has started working, they hardly have time for all these activities anymore Danian..but well, u can still come along and teach with me...but do u have time?...

Think I'll just make a quick entry here before resuming with my study ..completely out of interesting ideas...not quite, i wanted to share of the bloody clash that happened in Haiti...It drills down to my mind on why the bloody clash, exile of the president happened there..this is not the first time, us intervention has led to an exile of a country;s president. Couple of months ago, it happened in one of the African countries (Haiti is in Latin America), then the bloody, massacre happened in Sierra Leone..Massacre in Madura, indonesia, couple of years ago..What intrigues myself in understanding about Haiti is the fact that this France's richest colony is one of a big sugar plantation in the world that even Columbus who discovered this place stated that " everything a man could want in this world"...So why the hell such a rich country ended up being one of the poorest country in this world..Answer simple: Greed...it was being reigned by dictatorship, occupational power (france, america and etc) for a single purpose...for their own benefits..the recent president taht was exile (was an ex priest) accumulated his own wealth and ignore the suffering of his people..millions of people in haiti live under the lowest poor conditions and died because of malnutrition..This is similar to Yasser Araft, wallahualam..but according to some palestinians here, he accumulated his wealth, being a puppet for the jewish and everything depicted about his confinement and assault, humiliatioan and etc, were only a drama to fool the world..if this is true, he is the most stupid, intolerate leader that i don't understand how he could stand on the suffering of his people..and everything that is happening here relates so much to our lives...

No matter how succesful we are, how much money we earn, it is pointless and useful if we can't contribute to the society and help others...why do the malays are behind in malaysia..no better answer tahn the fact that there is no unity among them..meaning that malay millionaires or those malay rich people only care about their wealth. unlike the chinese that would take initiative to build organisations (pertubuhan Lim and etc) to look after the well being of other chinese...I was asked by couple of people..why not work in us and after 10 years of accumulating money, then go back...My respond was, money is not everythng in my life..if i die, i want my good deeds to help me to enter heaven or even offset my bad deeds. insyaallah..and furthermore, the more u give, the more u will receive...and that is how i see myself bearing the responsibilities to change and improve the situation in malaysia...insyaallah..

I am feelinga bit relax today..wallah and this worry me so much..i have exam this friday, yet i am in a so relaxing moodd..no, i can't be this relax..i have to put every effort that i have to finish my study and not to waste my time doing stgh else......eeeeee..the thing is, this maths class is about proving.....eeeeeee....why do we have to prove something taht has been proven....lol..i would be fresh if i get hold of fortune magazines or read the article on haiti, but reading my textbook..alahai..NO amy, u have to study...study study..no matter how much u don't quite like it..put a passion into it and ask Allah, to help u in finishing ur study...U have to study..maths is so important and u don't want to screw it up..Ok..I will, i will study tonoght..and i won't go to bed as long as i don't finish..must be determined and put aside all nonsence distraction thing..."Oh Allah, The Almighty,THe most Gracious, The most kind, please help me in my study, Oh Allah please let me finish two chapters tonight and increase me in my understanding and let me see through everything and ease every concept to me..Please Allah the almighty..help me...Help me and asnwer my prayer Ya Allah..Insyaallah..
That Sam called me to say goodnight...walah apakah ini..perlukah...i don't want to take this seriously and i don't want to give false hope to somebody i don't have a crush on..more important, i don't want to blush each time i see him...EEEEEEEEEE.........TA doesn't even know about this..perlukah dia tahu..AHHHHHH..whatever lah.....i am so uncertain about my luv life...whateverlah..this is so rubbish..better put this aside.....my book is my lover and my maths is my bf....I LUV U MATHS>>I LUV U FOREVER..I will explore u...